Ben Montana

Hey, everyone.

I made a video for this Arby's contest. If I win, I become famous and get free Arby's. Which would make me very happy. So... If you don't mind, please sign up and cast a vote. You can view my awesome video and vote here:

(http://www.rescuebrigadeaudition.com/video/view/12)

If you really want to help, vote every day!

If you have problems signing in... Try using your email address and password (instead of your username) because Arby's authentication system sucks balls.

Also, I promise to finish the ants comic as soon as possible.

~~Ben

Benana

The Benana is an elusive, nocturnal creature. It stands about six feet tall and is identifiable by its distinctive yellow coloring and soft brown fur. Its diet consists mainly of dust bunnies and leeks, but some Benanas have been known to eat cheeseburger drippings when food is in short supply. Generally, Benanas are not aggressive, but when provoked, they will emit a high pitched shriek and expel a highly potent nerve gas from glands behind the ears.

Up until now, there has been no evidence that these creatures even exist. This evening, however, David was able to capture a few photographs of an adult Benana in its natural environment.





Beware the Benana, for they are vicious.

Until next time,

~~Ben

Beer + Mustaches

Today was a rather eventful day. More eventful than most days. I woke up around 2PM because it's Saturday and I like to get a lot of sleep on Saturdays. I ate a bit of food, drank a coke and worked on a paper.

After the paper was done, David and I decided to go get some food. We called up Tombo to see if he wanted to come with us. By 7, David, Thomas, James and I were at Buffet City eating way too much. Let me tell you something. Mongolian Grill is the shit. It's like low mein, except you get to pick what you want in it. And it's super awesome. So that's what I ate. I highly recommend it to anyone.

Back at Thomas's place, we looked at some of his sweet comic strips. They're top secret, but with any luck, will be published in the school paper next semester. At which time, everyone will explode due to their sheer awesomeness.

A little later, we rented Beerfest. It's by Broken Lizard, the same guys who made Super Troopers. It was super funny. It wouldn't have been quite as funny had we not stopped by Albertson's for a couple of six packs.

I don't drink much. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been drunk. Recently, however, we've decided that a good time can be had of a good movie and a few brewskies. We don't drink heavily and it's not to get drunk, so we always make it a point to try different brands and styles of beer. Tonight's selection featured some Portuguese beer and six pack of Dixie Beer.

Again, I don't drink much. I don't know much about beer. I do know what I like. I like Dixie Beer. It's definitely one of my all time favorites. I don't even really know at all where to begin describing a beer, so suffice to say that it is really good, and I'd probably buy it again.

After the movie, we decided to take a drive. "Don't drink and Drive, Ben!" Yeah, yeah.. I know. But I wasn't even buzzing. I'm a big guy and it was on a full stomach. I know when I'm not fit to drive because I'm usually not fit to drive, but do it anyway. Tonight I was definitely okay to drive.

Looking for something interesting to do, we stopped at the Park. I've heard stories that gay, sex-crazed zombies live in the park and like to rape innocent pedestrians at night, but David assured me that this was false. We took a lap around the pond and, sure enough, saw not one single zombie. Oh well. We did, however, happen upon a small group of African American youths with baseball bats. David, the largest and drunkest of us, was super tense and ready for a fight. The black guys were busy drinking some vodka and joking with their girls and didn't bother us as we calmly walked past. Good thing, too. As big and scary as David is, there's no way we could have taken on a couple of bats.

Leaving the park, we drove around for a bit and landed at the 24hr Wal-Mart for some soda because we were a bit parched from the clammy, heat of the South Louisiana night. In the parking lot, looking for a place to park, we drove past a couple knocking boots on the hood of their car. Stunned, we circled a few times, just to make sure we saw what we thought we saw. And we did. But we were thirsty, and headed inside.

Normally, we'd walk around the store for a while, killing time, but this particular night, all we wanted was a soda. So we mostly hung out by the vending machines at the entrance. It's probably the only place in America where you can get a coke for 25 cents. It's awesome.

While we chilled, a black guy came up and asked if we knew the number of a towing company. We expected that he was a hobo looking for a hand out. But he assured us that he worked off-shore and just got back. He's pretty well-off and this is the first time in years that his truck had broken down. We also learned that he and his family were from Jeanerette and that they'd be moving pretty soon because it's a bad neighborhood and he doesn't want his kids to get shot while playing in the yard. He bid us adieu and left as quickly as he had come.

It does my heart good to meet a good guy like that who doesn't want anything and is embarrassed to even ask a favor. It does my heart wrong to see the list of missing children on the bulletin board by the door. I figure at least a few of those kids just ran away. The majority probably were taken against their will. Including the 49 year old in the top right corner who I joked about, causing the girl working the door to reprimand me.

After failing at the crane game, we looked over to the quarter machines. You know... those vending machines with the cheap little toys? The Japs have the Gashapon machines with high quality stuff, and we get the ones with the cheap plastic whistles and temporary tattoos.

This one, however, had a thing of beauty. A mustache. Of coarse, seeing the furry prize, Thomas had to give it a go. "Dude, don't waste your money, what are the chances of you getting one?" And, of course, he did. It was a fetching, raven haired handle bar which was easily applied to his upper lip thanks to its adhesive backing. If only we could grow real ones as glorious.

The night drew to a close. Before heading home, we stopped in at the free carwash to try and get David's truck washed. It's not really free. We just discovered a bug in the payment system and exploit it. You're supposed to put your money in, receive a ticket and then punch in that ticket on the keypad. The ticket number isn't really important because, in reality, you can punch in any 5 digit number and it will work just fine. Unfortunately, the machine had been fixed and David's truck remains dirty.

After that let down, we decided to call it a night. It was 2AM and it had been a long evening. There would be other nights for other adventures and this night had come to an end.

Until next time,

~~Ben

Hershey's Chocolate Syrup Cap

Hershey's Chocolate Syrup is a pretty amazing thing. As someone who enjoys chocolate very much, I know this from experience. You can put it on just about anything. Or everything. Very few things can boast of this ability. Honey and Cheese are the only other two that I can think of off the top of my head. Neither of those, however, contain chocolate.

I put chocolate syrup on all sorts of things. I've been known to put it on cereal in the morning. On waffles. Toast. Ice cream. I put it in Coke. And everyone puts it in milk. As far as chocolate milk goes, the only thing that could even try to rival Hershey's syrup is Nestle's Quick. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, however. You can use both. And they're in separate leagues all together... one's a syrup and the other a powder.

Apart from the temptation to drink straight from the bottle, there's only one negative to be found with chocolate syrup:

The Cap.

As long as I can remember, chocolate syrup came in a curved brown bottle with a white and black pull top with a clear lid. Much like a sports bottle. Or a Poon Jug, for that matter. There is no good reason that this type of cap should have ever graced the top of a Hershey's bottle.

There are many methods for dealing with this type of cap in relation to Hershey's bottles. One method is to do as you would with a sports bottle. Pop off the clear lid stick the cap in your mouth and pull it open with your teeth. This is good if you live alone or enjoy drinking it straight. It's not so good for anything else.

My preferred method is as follows:


1) Remove the bottle from the fridge.
2) Remove the clear lid and place it on the counter. After several uses, the rim of the cap will be covered in chocolate and will leave a delicious brown ring on the counter top.
3) Grip the brown top with thumb and index finger.
4) Pull up, opening the cap.
5) Lick up all the syrup that is now covering your fingers from opening the cap.
6) Apply syrup to its destination.
7) Replace clear cap.
8) Put bottle on counter top.
9) Smack top of clear lid, which pushes down the brown cap, closing the bottle, while at the same time smears excess syrup all over the inside of the cap.
10) Return to fridge.

This is super messy.

A couple of months ago, I went to the fridge to fetch my Hershey's syrup when I discovered that all of these issues had been solved in a brand new high-tech cap design (http://www.hersheys.com/syrupcap/capology.aspx) . I was elated. With this new cap design, the efficiency my syruping process was greatly improved:


1) Remove bottle from fridge
2) Flip open cap
3) Pour syrup
4) Close cap
5) Return to fridge

No mess. No wasted effort. No wasted chocolate. One less thing for me to lose sleep over.

Weeks later, I returned to the fridge for another round of syrupy goodness. The previous bottle had been emptied and in its place was a brand new, freshly opened bottle. With the old cap design. My heart dropped. My hands trembled as I reached for the antiquated receptacle.

Why and how could they return to such an inefficient piece of garbage when the benefits of the new cap were so obvious? I poured my syrup and stirred my chocolate milk. I replaced the bottle and walked through the living room, pausing for a moment, looking into my cup.

"If I ever find the guy who changed the Hershey's cap back to the old style, I'll kill him. Mark my words."

Glenn looked up at me and said, "What the hell are you talking about?" I retold the story of chocolaty horror, to which he replied, "That's probably just an old bottle that we found in the back of the cabinet.

I was visibly relieved. The R&D department at Hershey's was saved for the moment. No one would have to die today. The world made sense again. If only for a little while.

Until next time,

~~Ben

Poontonic

My new favorite drink: PoonTonic, or a P&T for short. Basically, put some tang in a glass (2 Tablespoons/half a scoop). Add tonic water in place of normal water. I use Diet Tonic water, cuz I need to watch my figure. Stir briskly. The tonic gives it an extra flavor and a little fizz. You can also mix up a whole batch in a Poonjug, but that requires shaking and waiting for the tonic to settle down and all sorts of hassles. I just do it per serving in a glass. It's good. I encourage you try it.

Facts:

1. Tonic water will cost you around 50 cents per liter. Which is cheaper than regular water, considering you'd pay about a dollar for a 20oz bottle.


2. Tonic water contains quinine. It has all sorts of magic powers. It glows under a black light and is supposed to act as an anti-inflammatory. So, it's good for muscle aches. Wikipedia Reference


3. Tonic water, alone, tastes sort of citrusy and bitter. It's not bad, but it's better when mixed with poon.

Cheers

~~Ben